By Karen Johannsen
On a typical night I am in bed by 11:00 pm, asleep usually within a half hour then wide awake 2 hours later. Getting back to sleep is a nightmare of anxiety, frustration, fear, and restlessness. Trust me when I say I have tried a million remedies, homeopathy, acupuncture, diet, medications, meditation, audio cd’s on relaxation...the list goes on. What often happens with me is that when I am facing a major issue in my life, the universe sends me many teachers to help enlighten me about what is really going on.
My adult children were the first teachers. My insomnia is a regular part of our conversations as they are concerned about the long-term effects of sleep deprivation. One afternoon, my daughter, whose wisdom always amazes me, said, “Maybe what you need is a deeper sense of your own intrinsic safety.” I had been pondering the idea that perhaps the insomnia was related to childhood abuse by my pedophile grandfather. I thought about her comment a lot and wondered how I could get a sense of my own intrinsic safety. Did I really trust the benevolence of the universe?
Several weeks later I discussed this with my acupuncturist, a deeply wise, spiritual person who suggested I look up something called “The Living Daylight.” This teaching by A.H. Almaas, founder of the Diamond Approach, offered me insight. Here’s what Almaas says in his book Facets of Unity:
Living Daylight, this tender and loving presence, is experienced as the origin of all states of consciousness, as well as the origin of everything. If this loving presence is seen as the true nature of everything that exists, the universe is seen as benevolent since it is made up of benevolence and is therefore something you can trust. The soul feels held by the universe, taken care of in a loving, appropriate way, provided for, supported and loved. This universal conscious presence is experienced not only as loving but also soft, sweet, gentle, and delicate, giving you the sense that you are held in a loving embrace by the universe. If the universe as a whole and everything in it is pervaded by, is composed of, and is an expression of, this fundamental loving presence, it is natural that you would feel relaxed and trusting, with the sense that you will be taken care of and that things are going to turn out okay.
Reading this felt like hearing a direct quote from God. It resonated so deeply with me that I began to read it each night before I went to bed. It calmed something deep within me. Almaas goes on to say that what blocks this Living Daylight is a resistance to feeling helpless. Certainly, as a victim in my early childhood there was a complete feeling of helplessness. Had this carried over into my adult life, even after all the healing work I had done? He goes on to say that in order not to feel helpless we begin to believe that we can do it all alone. That we don’t need to depend on anyone. We don’t need anything or anyone. It separates us from God.
...(it is the belief) that one does not need real holding. You feel that you can do it on your own and so you don’t need nourishment—whether human or divine. It also means that you believe that you do not need grace, and therefore block it. Grace is the descent of Living Daylight...it allows us to be held by the universe and to trust in it.
I realized that I had been trying to do it all on my own for so long that I had never surrendered completely to the Grace that was always there for me.
I would love to say that this was the end of my insomnia, but it didn’t result in consistent sleep. What it did do was make me aware of an unconscious belief that was not helpful, and bringing that up to the light did help me relax. Sinking into the arms of a benevolent and loving universe released something in me.
My daughter also suggested that perhaps I was dealing with end of life issues and facing my own mortality. Since I turn 78 this year, that rang a bell. Again, my acupuncturist came up with an observation. “Maybe this is a good practice for preparing for death,” he remarked. “It’s a way to practice releasing your attachment to your body, to reaffirm that you are more than your body.” Another teacher, Michael Robbins, said in one of his webinars, “Life in form is just a small part of reality.” Somehow putting this in perspective helped.
But how to identify with that larger reality? How to trust it? I happened to tune into a webinar given by Anita Moorjani who wrote the book, Dying to Be Me. What I got out of it was a perfect perspective for how to deal with the insomnia issue. I needed to take the focus off what was wrong and what I’m trying to fix and instead focus on loving myself more. The kind of love that acknowledges who you are at your essence. One way to love ourselves more deeply and affirm our divinity is to fill our lives with joy and to strengthen our ability to say no to anything that does not bring us joy. In other words, choosing what we want to be involved in. The more joy, the more light we bring into the body, the easier it is for us to believe in our own radiance.
This resonated so deeply with me, partly because I had already been feeling drawn to play the piano, dance, and be with little kids. Those are my joy fixes. So I recommitted to follow through on those things. I got a piano (loaned to me by a generous friend) and started taking dance lessons. I also officially relegated my insomnia to the outer ethers to be healed or not, but I stopped obsessing, talking about and reliving each night in my mind. Instead, I fueled myself with thoughts of dancing and playing, bringing more light into my life.
Another powerful teacher that came to me during this insomnia marathon was a good friend who also is a Feng shui practitioner. She suggested I move out of my spacious, open master bedroom with lots of mirrors and windows and many drains — sinks, bathtub, toilet, shower. She mentioned that energetically it was more of a room for dancing, activity and high energy, not conducive to restful sleep.
Go sleep in the guest room that has a queen size bed. After all you are a queen, not a king. You don’t need that big, king-sized bed. Get a headboard for solidity and grounding and create a sacred space for yourself that feels like a womb so you can feel held and supported by your space.
I took her advice and changed rooms. I created a sacred altar with all my precious things on it, moved in two plants that have special connections for me, bought a headboard, and began a nightly ritual of re-stating my prayer each night as I face my altar. I connected to the angels of my home, my room, and asked them to partner with me in maintaining an environment that will promote restorative sleep. A side benefit that I have noticed is that I want to keep the room neat and clean energetically, and my prayers each night help that. Also, I’ve been inspired to make up my bed each day, which I’ve never done before, just to make it look good. It feels like my sacred space now and I want to take good care of it.
My latest insight came when I picked up an issue of David Spangler’s Views from the Borderland and in the first paragraph he describes how at this time his colleagues have been emphasizing the importance of managing our own subtle fields and tending to the subtle energy environments around us (my bedroom, especially, I took this to mean for me):
.....be a source of calm, of hope, of love, of positive vision and positive energies for others. By your very nature, you cannot help being generative and influencing the subtle environments around you. By your choices and your intentions, you can determine what kind of influence you are. Take one step infringing blessing into the world, and a thousand angels will support you in the steps that follow. Act! Act! Act! You are not alone!
I continue to be amazed at how synchronicity plays out in my life as I work with the challenge of insomnia — everything weaving into everything else, supporting and inspiring me. Even though the insomnia is still there I am grateful for the learning that has taken place through all these insights and revelations.
I have learned patience, as I confront the possibility that this deep healing process may or may not be resolved in my lifetime.
Ease has become more of a companion as I face each night.
I practice acceptance for what is and try to stay in the moment.
Learning to surrender to the ground of my being, the benevolent universe, I am beginning to feel held and safe.
I am most grateful for the strengthening of the energetic connection to my environment and to the beings that live here with me. It has become part of my daily practice to acknowledge them each day with love and appreciation and to reaffirm our partnership. We are on this journey together.
As I continue to deepen this connection and sink into the nurturing and support that they offer I know it will translate into a stronger belief in my own intrinsic safety.